Last Christmas
by stilljustme
Summary: ... Jamie asked Eddie out for ice skating. Now winter's almost over, and they still haven't had their date.
1. Chapter 1

_**A/N: Unfortunately I still haven't watched more than seasons 1 and 2, so I know that writing a story involving Eddie Janko is dangerous, but there were two comments (anonymously, I'm afraid ) asking for a sequel – one about Jamie and Eddie and their promised date. And – honestly – I've been dying to write a love story for Jamie (even though I know from experience that I'm not really good at it). So – I have no idea if or where this is going to go, but thought I'd give it a try, and I hope you do, too. :)**_

No snow this morning. Eddie's heart sank as she saw water dropping from the roof. The ice was melting, it was warm for February, and normally she would be grinning madly now – she loved spring. Had always, would always, in a totally childish way. Nothing in her past or her present could ever change that.

Except maybe for the fact that spring meant there was no ice anymore. And no ice skating with Jamie.

As she drove through the city Eddie found herself going through the same thoughts as yesterday, and the day before, and… every day for the last three and a half weeks. That was when Jamie had started working again after being mugged up and almost killed by the Gailmans.  
Eddie knew he had enough on his mind, with Sean certainly still suffering from his kidnapping, and probably Jack suffering from not getting enough attention, and from his own abduction, too.  
Renzulli was right, this family really never was at peace.  
Actually she should be happy that Jamie had forgotten about her.

Eddie bit her lips as the thought made her stomach cramp. Stupid butterflies! She was a cop. She had come here to be a cop, to do whatever she could to help other people, and now she was whining for her own sake again? Again?

Maybe it would have been better if her new partner Eddie Rickers (yes, destiny was ironic) wasn't such a misogynic idiot. And maybe she wouldn't think that bad about Eddie if she hadn't worked with the best man on earth before. Well… yes, she would.  
But it wasn't only the other Eddie or the forgotten date or the fact that the commissioner himself had let her status getting change so a relationship between her and his youngest son wouldn't be against the rules.  
Of course, being acclaimed by Frank Reagan wasn't a bad thing, but the more days passed the less Eddie cared. About everything, actually.

What had happened? What had she done wrong at the late Christmas dinner that had made Jamie turn away from her completely?  
No matter how often she replayed the evening in her mind, and she did way more often than a grown-up woman should (and sometimes she just did it to distract herself from her partner's comments), Eddie found nothing wrong. She had been herself, and she had been happy. And for heaven's sake, Jamie had been happy too! And he had touched her knee, and not. By. Chance! What had happened then? Where had she said something wrong?

The same questions every morning. Eddie felt sick as she reached the precinct. This building had been her dream, her second home three months ago – and now all she wanted was turn around and run, away from Eddie, away from Jamie, away from her stupid self. She had promised herself never again to let somebody else ruin her dreams.  
It was her life, after all, and the only ones who had the right to destroy it were God and herself.  
Robert had already taken too much from her. She couldn't have Jamie take away her joy in being a cop, too.

Eddie took a deep breath. Enough waited and hoped. She wasn't a damsel in distress waiting for a knight. She was the goddamn knight, and she would go ice skating. One way or another.


	2. Chapter 2

„Jamie?" She stood at the door to the men's locker room. There were a few of her colleagues there already, but fortunately Ed R wasn't the early bird kind of man.  
Grinning wickedly, one of the officers closest to the door sent the call on. "Reagan! You got a lady visitor!"  
Normally she would have slammed the man against the lockers and made him pay for behaving like a complete idiot – it hadn't needed either Jamie nor Ed R for Eddie to carve out her own space, and she knew most of her colleagues respected her for that – but now she merely frowned at him.  
Stupid butterflies.  
Maybe it was true, maybe you just want what you can't have. Was that what had repulsed Jamie? That after her being not his rookie anymore, things would be too easy?  
Eddie bit her lips not to laugh at herself. She really was spoiled by Robert. If there was anything she knew for sure about Jamie Reagan it was that he was about the most gentle, most honest and altogether kindest man she had ever seen. Actually, it was funny that with that soft smile of his he still made her knees go weak. It took time to see the strength and steel inside him…

"Hey, Eddie. How you're doing?"  
She looked up and hoped her face wouldn't betray her. "Hey. How you're doing?"  
Jamie grinned. "I asked first."  
Eddie smiled, too. It had been her eleventh day on the job when she had exploded about the fact that nobody asking "how you're doing" actually wanted an answer. Set phrases were okay, but not this one. It just made things more complicated – well, till you get used to it, as Jamie had said.  
And now it was him getting used to her habits… Eddie's heart widened.  
"I… I wondered about our date. I mean, ice skating." Her cheeks burned but she couldn't stop smiling.  
It was so good seeing him again, talking to him. And it was so easy… so easy that she sometimes forgot to wonder what she should say and simply say it.

Jamie swallowed, and Eddie's heart sank like a stone.  
"I know" he murmured contritely, "I'm sorry, I just forgot about it till Sean asked me to last Sunday. And then I…" He shook his head and took a step towards her. "I guess I was too ashamed to ask you then. I thought you'd forgotten about it, too."

_I would never forget about you,_ she thought, _and come on, you're facing death each day and are afraid of me?  
_Not that she was any different in that point, though.

Eddie opened her mouth. "How is he?"  
"Sean?" Jamie's face darkened. "He's on therapy. I think his nightmares are gone by now but he's started bedwetting again." He shook his head. "Sorry, I shouldn't have told you that right in the morning."  
Eddie shrugged. "I asked, remember?"  
_And remember what you asked me?  
_"You did" Jamie confirmed, "thank you."  
Was that a dismissal? The butterflies swirled desperately, and Eddie knew that once again she would have to make the first step. It just was so much easier without those beautiful deep eyes looking at her. "Anytime. And if you need something… I mean, I'm not exactly experienced with children, but… I know about fear. And about… therapists."  
Jamie nodded, his eyes shining with sorrow now. "I know."

Of course he did. Because two days before Sean had been kidnapped Eddie had told him about it. About everything, for the first time in her life.  
"So…"

"Well, actually I do need something" Jamie said, and the sorrow slowly receded as a smile came up.  
"Anything" she repeated, and meant it.

"I'd need to know if you'd like to go ice skating with me on Friday."


	3. Chapter 3

When she got into the car Eddie still couldn't stop smiling. It was spring, and Jamie had asked her out finally – again – and the world was beautiful again. Well, technically, it wasn't – she still was partnered up with the greatest idiot probably in the whole NYPD history, and people were still fighting and robbing and killing each other – but somehow it couldn't reach her today.

"…understood? Hey!"  
"What?" Frantically, Eddie looked around. What had she just missed?  
Ed chuckled. "What's up with you women once the sun comes out, uh? Can you just for once be focused?" He paused to breathe, precious seconds Eddie normally used to snap back at him, even if she knew it was useless.  
But today was different.  
After several more seconds of clearing his throat, Ed stared at her. "Now come on, Eddie. What's up? Tell me!"  
"What do you mean, partner?" Just a little reminder that they were equal in rank. Eddie smiled at the fat man, in her mind changing him for her TO. Four days till Friday.  
Ed shook his head in complete confusion. "You're always crazy. But right now… oh please don't tell me you're a Valentiniac!"  
"A what?"  
"A fan of Valentine's Day. Those crazy fans always are something-iacs. Never noticed?"  
She had, in fact, she knew Latin. But for Edmund Rickers this was a big improvement, and Eddie was too happy to fight, so she nodded approvingly. "I see. And no, not really. How about you?"  
"Oh no, it won't be that easy!" Ed laughed nastily. "Paul told me about your visiting our room asking for a very special person to meet on a very special day? Friday night? February 14th? Ice skating in the darkness, skin on skin, and when you fall hell just fall onto you. Or into you if you're quick enough undressing. The commissioner's boy is pretty handsome, I guess… for a girl." His grin made Eddie's stomach turn.  
"You know", Ed either didn't notice her despise or chose to ignore it as always, "I thought a tough girl like you would look for a man that's more… you know, manly. Someone with balls who knows how to handle a big girl. Or a little girl with a big gun."  
Eddie closed her eyes with disgust. "Oh, just shut up."  
Her thoughts were racing. Valentine's Day? Had Jamie really asked her out for Valentine's Day? This was getting way too fast, way too big now!  
Or did he care for that day at all? Well, he had once been engaged so he probably would.

Sydney Davenport. Eddie bit her lips. That woman had left Jamie for London, but what if she decided to come back now? What if she realized her mistake and wanted him back?

The joy suddenly was dried up.  
Eddie realized her partner was again rambling. She nodded absentmindedly.

Ed chuckled. "Really, princess?"  
Eddie frowned. "Really what?"  
He moved closer, his big hand landing on her knee. Eddie tensed but withstood the temptation of shoving him off. If he lost control over the car she would never find out why Jamie wanted to see her on Valentine's Day.

Suddenly the hand wandered upwards and sprang at her breast, squeezing it. Eddie froze for a second, then shoved him away. "Get your hands off me!"  
Ed's sardonic grin widened. "Why, honey? Don't you want a foreplay?"  
"Foreplay?" Eddie hoped that the contempt in her voice would conceal her horror. This was how it had started with Robert and Michelle. Just like that. Trapped in a car.

Ed's hand fell back into his lap, resting pleasurably between his legs. "I asked you to join me for Valentine instead of Reagan. And you know what that little up and down of your pretty head means? It means you're mine."


	4. Chapter 4

**Thanks for the kind reviews! Sorry for the bumpy start, and thanks for staying. I hope I get the "romance"-part of this story going now :S**

She didn't know how she survived the day, but eventually her shift was over. Eddie jumped out of the car before Ed had killed the engine and promptly stumbled into a young man just leaving the precinct.  
"Sorry!"  
"No problem! Are you alright?"  
For a moment, Ed was forgotten. "Yeah, I'm okay."  
"Sure?" Jamie smiled. "Cause running over innocent pedestrians isn't really part of the job."  
She was about to answer when Ed loudly slammed the door.  
Eddie froze for a moment. _You are mine._  
_In your dreams_, she promised silently and quickly shoved out of the supportive arms around her. Once she was at the women's locker room she would be safe. Not even Ed was stupid enough to follow her there. And why should he? He was her partner. She couldn't really avoid him. Not if she didn't go to the captain.

As she took off her uniform Eddie calmed down. She had seen Jamie, twice. And he had asked her out. And… she blushed as she realized he had just held her. Accidentally, and only to prevent her from falling, but still.  
She leant deeply into her locker. Bad enough that she was behaving like a school girl now, she didn't need her colleagues to witness it.  
Eddie took a deep breath and stored her gun. As she thought about the next day her heart sank.

As she left the room she saw a figure standing in the hall. Waiting for her? Eddie bit her lips. What kind of idiot… then he walked towards her. "I know it's not Friday yet, but…"  
She was too relieved to even try to hide her smile. "Wanna go for a drink?"  
Jamie mirrored her smile but his eyes remained serious, almost worried. "Of course."

"So…" Jamie emptied his glass. "How's the job?"  
Eddie sighed. That look in his eyes made clear that he wanted the truth now – she knew it had cost him much not to ask it right away. Now they were at the second drink and his knight instinct obviously couldn't be suppressed anymore.  
The need to care for others. Eddie loved him for that, for being such a good person despite all the bad things that had happened to him.  
But she didn't want to be one of the people triggering that instinct.  
"It's okay." The words came out sharper than expected, and Jamie frowned.  
"Really" she forced her voice to be gentler, "I mean Ed is… an idiot. A complete, gross idiot." She couldn't help shivering at the memory of his hands on her. "But that's the job, isn't it? Oh come on, Jamie, stop looking at me as if I'm a victim!" Her voice had become loud.  
Some of the guests turned around and looked at her. Eddie bit her lips and stared at the table. Why couldn't she just keep her mouth shut?

"It's okay" Jamie eventually whispered, "they're not staring anymore." He waited till she looked up at him. "Eddie, I don't see you as a victim. I just… I've been your training officer. I know how you are on the job, and… I notices you've changed."  
"You mean I'm not good enough to be where I am?" She cursed herself the instant the words came out. What was she doing?

Jamie shook his head. For the first time he seemed a bit annoyed. "No, Eddie, I don't think you're not good enough. I think you're great. But…"  
_But my brother Joe was great also and now he's dead._ This time she managed to keep the thought to herself, though.

"The job's hard. You're sacrificing a lot, and for that… the least you deserve is a good working climate. And if your partner's a real idiot, then maybe you should talk to the captain about it."  
"Great idea."  
"I mean it." Jamie bent forward. "If you don't want me to keep on worrying about you show me you can take care of yourself."  
"I can take care of myself" she hissed back, but not half as aggressive as before. "I've survived pretty well so far, haven't I? How about you?"  
Jamie frowned but didn't protest against her change of topic. "Can't complain. Taylor's not a natural as you were, but he's learning fast."  
A man… good. Eddie nodded. "And you're a great teacher" she said earnestly. "If I had another drink I would toast on you."

When they left two hours later Eddie still wasn't sure if she wanted him to accompany her home or part at once. Jamie, however, freed her of the decision as he offered to drive her home.  
"Thanks" she said. "That was the best part of my day."  
Jamie smiled. "Anytime. But I mean it, Eddie – talk to the captain."  
Eddie turned away. Had he seen them in the morning?  
_You are mine. _She would have to deal with Ed and his Valentine dreams tomorrow.

Jamie mistook her silence for protest. "Okay, but at least… you can always talk to me, okay? I'm here. And that's not cause I see you as a victim, Eddie. I just…" He swallowed. "I just know you're a wonderful person, and a good cop, and you deserve the best."

Suddenly Eddie's eyes burned with tears. She quickly got out of the car and ran to the door. How could he be so good? And why did he make her so weak?  
"Thanks" she called, desperately trying to sound calm, "next bar is on me. See you on Friday!" She didn't wait for the engine to start again, or for the lights in her apartment to go on. As soon as the door closed behind her Eddie broke down crying.


	5. Chapter 5

**A/N: Thank you for (most of) your reviews! However, this is the first time I felt I had to delete some of them. Since it's the first time maybe I'm overreacting right now, and I'm sorry for that, and sorry for all reading this without having anything to do with it, but - please don't try to blackmail me. If you read this story I'm happy, if you write me something about it I'm happier, but if you don't, for whatever reasons, well - don't. **

* * *

Sun crept through the windows, gilding the room. As the first light reached Eddie's face she turned around and pretended not to see it. It was still night, she needed to sleep and go back to her dream. Valentine's Day, with ice all around – just like in "Frozen". The memory made Eddie groan.  
Jamie had planned to watch the movie with his niece and nephews but eventually Nicki had declined – math test. Since he had already bought the tickets, Jamie had asked Eddie to join them.  
She still didn't know much about the story. There was this girl icing the world… without noticing it? Noticing it? And there was good music, a snowman, eventually another girl and, of course, a guy. One of those computer-animated men that should trigger adoring and love and giggling with 98% of the heterosexual women between the age of sixteen and sixty. To Eddie, however, he had seemed kind of plain and boring – okay, his world was freezing to the ground, but he didn't have to care for his two nephews, and he wasn't friendly to everyone and taking everyone serious and… and he was by no means as handsome as Jamie.  
In the end she had used her observation skills mostly to watch her TO, and his love for Jack and Sean had made her heart melt despite the ice onscreen.  
Two days later, Sean had been kidnapped.

The alarm clock went on. Still grumbling, Eddie dragged herself out of bed and into the bathroom. Sun. No more snow. And Ed Rickers.  
She really should go back to bed and pretend to have overslept. For the next five days.

But then Jamie would really be worried about her, and he would try to… ice reached through the memory to Eddie's heart. If Jamie was feeling that she wasn't honest to him, he would ask her partner. The mere thought of her partner made her stomach turn, but imagining him and Jamie was even worse. They were about as opposed as could be, and… just no. She would not have the two of them come together just because of her.  
Jamie was right. She used to be different, stronger, more engaged in life – in life around and in her own. And having the prospect of Friday she would get there again.

* * *

This time she saw him from a distance, and her heart, sunk down on the way, leapt up. Jamie smiled at her, holding to cups of coffee in his hands. Eddie frowned. From his look one of them was meant for her, but shouldn't he care for his rookie first?  
"Where's Taylor?"  
"Good morning to you, too." Jamie laughed. "He doesn't drink coffee."  
That was such a crazy comment that Eddie forgot to feel embarrassed. "You're joking."  
"Wish I would. You know how awkward coffee breaks get when your rookie's sitting like a stone next to you?"  
"Uhm… no." Eddie inhaled the strong and vital aroma of caffeine, then took a sip and sighed. "No, I really can't."  
She noticed Jamie looking at her and quickly buried her face in the cup again. When she had to run back from the hot beverage, though, she found his eyes still resting on her face. It made the butterflies, already twirling from the caffeine (even though coffee shouldn't work on imaginative insects) go completely crazy. For a moment Eddie lost track of where exactly was up and down, but as Jamie didn't look worried now she assumed nobody saw it.  
Still, it was odd. She hadn't been this childishly swooning when she had seen Jamie regularly. Actually…

"A penny for your thoughts."  
Eddie swallowed. "That's all it worth to you? What if I want a kingdom?"  
Laughing, Jamie shook his head. Then he became serious once again. "See? That was what I meant."  
Eddie tensed. "Coffee?"  
Wrong answer. The laughter disappeared from his face, and Eddie cursed herself.  
"Jamie, I'm…"  
"You. You are different. You're how I know you." He moved closer to her, his hand reaching up as if to touch her cheek but then rested on her arm instead. "What's wrong, Eddie?"

_Wrong is that I am not with you.  
_Eddie forced herself to hold the glance calmly. "Nothing I can't handle by myself, Jamie. I'm ready for this. And just that it's different now doesn't mean it's bad. Not automatically."

"Hey, partner, you wanna go in civvies today? I mean it wouldn't look too bad!"

Her stomach turned. "Okay, with him it is bad, but…"  
Jamie walked towards Ed.


	6. Chapter 6

„Hey, Ed!" Jamie's voice and moves were casual as he walked towards the bulky officer. Dangerously casual.  
"Hey, Reagan. Got a problem?"  
Jamie shrugged. "Not that I knew of yet. How about you?"

Eddie's stomach tautened painfully. She knew what was going to happen – Jamie rarely accused people but rather made them admitting their crimes themselves. It wasn't a method they were taught at but Jamie was a master of that kind of questioning, which had at once made Eddie suspecting that it came from Harvard – and was a lawyer's way of work, but not the police's.

"No. Just you stopping me from doing my job."  
Jamie smiled innocently. "I won't hold you too long. I'm just waiting for my new rookie. I heard you got my old one? How is she?"

He would have Ed boast about his plans within thirty seconds. Eddie felt her eyes fill with tears of both rage and helplessness. She had told Jamie she was fine and capable of taking care of herself, and he hadn't believed one word. He didn't trust her, he didn't even like her – or he would have asked her out earlier – it was just that stupid knight instinct kicking in and making him stepping into her life again.

"Jamie?" A young man walked towards them, already wearing his uniform and looking more than just a little nervous.  
"Just a moment, Taylor." Jamie never took his eyes off Ed.

Taylor, the new rookie. Reluctantly, Eddie looked away from the two officers. Seven months ago she had been just like Taylor was – curious, overly cautious, hanging on every word the TO said, depending wholly on his opinion (even if she hated to admit it).  
The adoring she saw in Taylor's eyes – adoring that perfect, caring, obviously sexless, innocent, intelligent idiot Jamie Reagan - made Eddie want to scream.

"Well" Ed leered, "she's a clever girl. Just a little bit rigid but that'll come with time."  
Finally, Jamie let his nonchalant façade drop. "You should take care of your words, Ed. And more even of your actions. One word and you've been training new officers for the last time. I will not have any of my colleagues suffering from you."  
Ed wasn't impressed. "Especially when they're pretty, huh? Eddie, come on, I'm tired of this grind."

Eddie nodded blindly and fled to the lockers. She had been biting her tongue so hard that it was bleeding now, and the tears had come nevertheless. She wiped them off impatiently as she put on the jacket. The heavy, robust fabric on her skin calmed her down a bit but couldn't lessen her tormented state of mind. She had thought she knew Jamie, but now… what was the point in going out with him if he didn't trust her? Because in the end, that was what it was coming down to.  
She had asked him not to see her as a victim, but he did. Simple as that.

New tears shivered in her eyes but this time she fought them away. Failure analysis: She had thought the problem was that Jamie was her TO, and she his rookie, and because of that they could not be together. That was wrong.

"Eddie? You're okay?"  
The mixture of joy and fury consuming her almost made her sick. Eddie took a deep breath. "That's the women's room you're in, Jamie."  
"I'm not."  
She slammed the door of her locker shut and looked at him. Indeed Jamie's feet were on the corridor while his upper body was bent into the room, his arm reaching out for her but just not touching her skin. Eddie made a step backwards. "You should take care of your rookie. He needs you."  
"You need me too."  
"I needed you, Jamie" Eddie hissed, "when I was your rookie, just like Taylor is now. Then I needed you, and then you were there for me. But now I'm a cop. I'm grown up, I can take care of myself."

Jamie frowned at her tone. "Did I do something wrong?"  
"You don't even notice it!" Eddie laughed. "You really don't get it, do you?" A thought came up to her mind, a memory… something Jamie had told her in one of the nights they had had to observe the mayor's house. Eddie bit her lips. She didn't want to hurt him that much.

"No, obviously not." Jamie sounded irritated now. "But I do get that you lied to me when you said that…"  
"And what do you care if lie to you?" Eddie closed her eyes. She was losing it, again. "What do you care?" she repeated calmly.  
"Did you really drink that much last night? I care for you, Eddie, I care a lot for you, I…" Jamie broke off and looked down. "Doesn't matter, I guess" he whispered, "I just wanted to help."  
"I didn't ask for it." And even now, seeing him miserable like that broke Eddie's heart. They had been such a great team once!  
"You trusted me once, remember?"  
Jamie shrugged. "Back then I knew the worst thing happening to you was me." He looked up and tried to grin. "I know I'm an idiot sometimes, Eddie, but I never wanted to hurt you. It's just…" he shook his head in frustration, "don't you see what's happening to you? You were great, and now you're… you…"  
"What?" Every sympathy died away at once. Eddie moved forward, edging Jamie out of the room totally.  
Jamie shrugged. "Eddie, you're not up for it. Not like that, not with Rickers molesting you like that. You gotta stand up for yourself." He noticed the change in her face. "What?"

"Thanks, Danny." Eddie's voice was ice cold.  
Jamie backed away till his back touched the wall. Of course he understood. "That's not the same."  
"Really? You whined about your brother, whom you adored and loved so much, would not accept you as a cop. And that it killed you to know he doesn't trust you." Her eyes were dry now but her heart leapt as Eddie realized she had just – indirectly – told Jamie that she loved him. But sadly that was not the point anymore.  
"You're just like your brother, Jamie. Forget about Friday, okay?"


	7. Chapter 7

Ed was already sitting in the car, grinning wildly as Eddie slammed the door shut behind her.  
"So, what are we going to…"  
"Shut up, Ed." Her voice was so harsh that Rickers didn't object. They drove in silence for the first time ever, and despite her expectation Eddie felt even more trapped and threatened now. Her mind, no longer occupied with fighting off her partner, returned to happier times in her life – precisely, to her first months as a cop. Looking back at all the mistakes she had made in her first weeks Eddie wondered how Jamie had managed to keep her and himself alive. She surely had given her TO a hard time sometimes, but eventually he had learnt to pay her back. And eventually she had learnt to gain his trust.  
When exactly had she fallen in love with him? Day one or day thirty? And why couldn't it be as easy and… natural to be together as it had before?

"A penny for your thoughts" Ed mumbled without looking at her, and Eddie straightened. "Why, did I miss something important?" Her voice was controlled despite the tears that burned behind her eyes, threatened to drown her heart.  
From all people in the world, why did she have to hurt Jamie? Why did she hurt the person that had so quickly and so irreversibly become so important to her?  
Ed shrugged. "Just your little bodyguard and his new victim."  
Eddie frowned. "Should there be any sense to your words?"  
Her partner shook his head in mock disappointment. "You really think you're the first one to fall for the Commissioner's golden boy? Huh? Come on. Pretty, clever, oh, and his daddy's our boss. And a good one at that. But anyway" Ed had long stopped caring if Eddie was listening to him, he just kept on talking, "you're not the first, I guess, and you won't be the last. He's a pretty popular guy. He can have half the precinct if he wants. Whereas I... I know I'm not as pretty as that Boy Scout, but… I like you, Janko. I know I wasn't exactly a gentleman yesterday, but I really like you."

Eddie wasn't hearing a word. Pretty popular guy? She remembered the end of her first week – she had followed a boy into a small street without asking for backup. It wasn't that she had forgotten about it, just – why? Jamie would be behind her, and the boy she was chasing was about ten. And holding a woman's bag, which was why she couldn't let him go.  
That she had lost the boy had turned out to be the smallest problem.

"_Damn it!" Eddie stopped in the middle of a little crossing. He was gone, his steps no longer audible. To the left? To the right? Straight ahead? She kneeled down, automatically lowering her gun, to search for any traces of the boy. Or the bad, maybe gone open in the flight.  
"Get down!"  
Eddie reacted at once. She let herself fall forward and pulled up her gun, expecting to be attacked from one of the streets. Seconds later, Jamie was next to her, aiming around at… nobody, actually. Eddie sat up. Her elbows looked pretty bad and her lips were bleeding.  
"What happened? Did you shoot him?"_

_Jamie didn't answer. He stood right at the spot where she just had been, weapon high, absolute terror in his eyes. Terror… and tears.  
Eddie quickly stood up. "Jamie, are you…"  
He turned around and the terror turned to anger. "What the hell you think you're doing, Janko? If you want to end your life, use your own gun!"  
Eddie backed away. She had never seen her TO that angry before. Actually, she hadn't believed he could ever get that angry.  
"You're out in the open, alone, gun down, on your own! You're begging them to kill you, is it that? Is that what you want, making me see you killed? Did you despise me that much, after all? Was your life that worthless with us riding together?"  
Eddie swallowed. Jamie clearly wasn't talking to her anymore, but to whom else? And what should she do? Nobody had prepared her for the situation that her TO lost his mind.  
"Jamie, it's okay" she said softly – and cursed herself when the terror and pain in his eyes exploded.  
"I'm sorry" she quickly said, reaching out for his hand, "I'm sorry, I just… don't understand. What happened?"_

_Slowly, Jamie nodded and seemed to come back to reality. "I'm the one to say sorry, I guess. I shouldn't have… but you should know better than to run alone. Is that clear? It is not okay to do that. It is not okay to die from your own stupidity, or from… your partner not being quick enough." His voice broke and he closed his eyes to close in the tears. "It was not okay when… my partner Vinny died just because of that. Because of me." He opened his eyes again and cleared his throat. "Listen, Eddie, if you want a new…"  
"Thank you." She interrupted him before he could offer her changing the TO, partly out of fear what her decision would be. "Thanks for your honesty. And I'm really sorry for you."  
Jamie shook his head. "You shouldn't be sorry for me."  
She shrugged. "You're here. And thanks to you, I'm here too."  
Jamie smiled sadly._

Her cell beeped with an unknown caller. Frowning, Eddie hit the button.  
"Janko?"  
"No." The voice was very matter-of-factly, but it was enough to make her tense.  
"Jamie?"  
"Yeah, I…" He sighed in relief. "Thanks for not hanging up on me. I'm using Taylor's cell."  
"What happened to yours?"  
"I was afraid you wouldn't pick up."  
"Oh come on, is that Reagan?" Ed laughed. "Poor dog."  
Eddie forced herself not to answer him. "Well, I did. So what does ´no´ mean?"  
"No means no. No, I won't forget about Friday. And I really hope you'll be there, too."


	8. Chapter 8

**A/N: I had my last test for a while today… it will get better now. Thanks for all bearing with me, I don't know what's wrong with me and this story ( Steph – I haven't forgotten your comment about my "choppy" writing, and I try to work on it), but… well, let's say I'd be very grateful for every counsel how to write a love story. **

"_No means no. No, I won't forget about Friday. And I really hope you'll be there, too."  
_Eddie bit her lips. This could be her last chance to sort things out with Jamie.  
"Eddie?" Jamie sounded nervous.  
"Oh… okay, yes." She couldn't help smiling. "But… you need to trust me, Jamie."  
Ed laughed. "I knew it! Say hi to the golden boy from me." He pulled over for their lunch break. "Tell him I'm taking care of you."

Eddie rolled her eyes. "Talking about Friday…"  
"Give him the phone."  
She sighed. "No."  
"Give. Him. The. Phone." Jamie's voice was dangerous now, and automatically Eddie felt goose bumps running down her skin. She had heard that voice only twice before. From the look on people's faces they were as shocked and scared as she was about the sudden and dark power in the young man.  
Eddie stayed calm. "Jamie, don't."

She heard him inhaling deeply. "Please, Eddie."  
"No." She couldn't stop her smile from widening, though. She didn't want Jamie to see her as weak or a victim, but still… hearing him worrying about her, caring about her, warmed her from the inside more than the sudden spring could do.  
"Let's talk in the evening, okay? I'll wait for you. But right now you've got to trust me, Jamie."  
"Eddie… look out, on the right! Sorry, I've got to go. Today, okay? Promise me."  
"I promise. Take care." She bit her lips before she could add "I love you" and quickly hang up.

"You promise? What do you promise, officer?" Ed sneered.  
Eddie whirled around. "Did you overhear me? What's wrong with you?"  
Ed shrugged. "You're my partner. If you have a private talk on duty I wanna know why and with whom."  
She glared at him but didn't say a word. There were no words to reason with that idiot, and she couldn't really use her fists in public.  
Ed grinned knowingly. "I see. So you're planning to make me jealous, don't you? That won't work, Janko. I like you but not that much."

Eddie jerked. "Jealous? Ed, what on earth are you talking about these days?"  
"You know exactly what I'm talking about." The grin was gone. Ed Rickers straightened up to full size, as if he just remembered he was representing the force of the NYPD, and should be a role model, at least an example of civility and helpfulness. He would have looked impressive indeed, despite the beer-swollen stomach, if Eddie didn't know that it was a lie. Ed didn't want to represent anything than himself. There might have been a time when the people of New York City mattered to him, but that time was long gone.

"Friday. I heard you accepting an invitation you know you can't take. You already have a date for this day, remember?" He came closer, his breath smelling of cigarettes and coffee. "I asked you first."

"And I didn't say yes." Eddie stood her ground. A part of her wondered what had happened to her partner that had made him the person he was now, and another part was wondering if the same change would be happening to her, sooner or later. Or to Jamie.

The thought of Jamie's kindness and compassion turning to cold ignorance made her sick. She couldn't imagine what tragedies would be needed to make that change happen, but whatever it was… she knew she would do everything to protect Jamie from it. So much he had already lived through and still was one of the best people she had ever known.

"You didn't…"  
"I didn't." Eddie turned around and threw the empty cup away. "Let's go on. We don't get paid for eating."  
Just as she wanted to open the door, Ed caught up and pressed her against the car on the way. "You don't tell me what to do" he hissed.  
Eddie tensed but he was already on the other side, getting into the car as if nothing had happened. Rubbing her hurting knee Eddie got in as well. The physical pain passed quickly, but she still felt his body against his, and another's – her stomach cramped at the old memory, and Eddie closed her eyes. She was over this, it had been one time… one time too much, but she had lived through it and ended it and one thing was sure – it would never happen again. Not like this, not with Robert. And it definitely wouldn't happen with Ed.

"You can't do that, you know." Her voice was almost calm.  
"What do you mean now?"  
Eddie took a deep breath. "Harassing me like that." She looked over at her partner to see any reaction.

Ed laughed. "You're one of those, I see." He shook his head sadly. "Such a strong woman who won't let anybody help her or hold her because she can do anything alone… except for when little Jamie Reagan comes up, with his pretty face and his, like, one year of experience and a dead partner trailing behind him, and you're falling down and are all damsel in distress. That's pathetic, Eddie. You are a disappointment for all cops." He cursed under his breath as a young man ran across the street. "Follow him."

Eddie frowned. "For what reason?"  
"Cause I said so!" Rickers nudged her against the door as she didn't open it fast enough. "Do you think that was the guy's handbag, all leather and red?"  
"Damn it!" Eddie started to run. Why hadn't she seen that?  
"That's what I meant" Ed panted behind her, "you're a… disappointment… for all… cops."

The man disappeared into a small side street that she knew would open up for a crossing.  
No use in calling Ed to speed up. Eddie ran faster. 


	9. Chapter 9

As soon as Eddie entered the street she heard her breath going louder, though not yet as loud as the world behind her. She had assumed that once chasing someone, everything else would simply blind out. One of the many false imaginations she had had when starting the job.

"NYPD, stop and drop the bag!" Her voice was stronger now that she was running that it had been with Ed before. Though no real thief would actually leave his bounty behind, left alone waiting for her to arrest him, she felt good out here. This was what she had wanted to do, not sitting in a car – not even with Jamie – for most of the day, but… running. Chasing. Outwitting and overpowering criminals, idiots,… Robert. Whatever.

"Drop the bag!" Her hands around the gun went sweaty and heavy as she kept on running. Slowly, the world was droning out indeed, and eventually all Eddie heard was her own breathing. She stopped, leaning into a house entrance.  
That guy must have fled into another house minutes ago. Gun still up Eddie allowed herself to calm down a bit. She had lost a suspect, and it sounded like she lost her partner, too.

"Ten-thirty, ten-thirty on Accord Street. Eddie?"  
She froze for a second, then turned around and ran before her mind could really process what was happening. Who had hurt Ed? And how… she would have heard a shot if it had been fired.  
A knife? Had she passed the guy with the bag? Would she come too late to save Ed? After all, he was her partner… "Ed? Ed! Where are you?"

"Took you long enough!" Suddenly there were hands on her back, shoving her against a wall so forcefully that her forehead collided with the bricks. The pain was blinding her and Eddie stumbled back, trying to turn around and aim at the aggressor but her arms were exhausted. Painfully easily the other twisted it out of her hands, sending her against the wall again. This time at least Eddie could catch herself before her face hit the bricks, and she quickly turned to the side and kicked at her attacker, a fast smooth move she had trained for months, aiming mostly directly at the other's balls but moving too fast and in an odd curve so her leg couldn't be grabbed in the air.  
The other stepped aside and reached for her shoulders again. Eddie tensed. Idiot! She was a cop. She knew techniques that helped her compensate almost any lack of physical strength.  
"What have you done to my partner?" she hissed, ducking away under his hands. No answer but a punch directly onto her head. The world went quiet but stayed in a rush of colors, and without being able to do anything against it, Eddie felt herself being laid down onto the cold asphalt. Automatically she curled together, trying to get up, but the attacker seemed to see each of her moves before she could really do it. He easily stretched her body again and sat down on her hips, bowing near to her face, his hands holding hers in a death-grip.

It took a second for Eddie to realize that she stood no chance against this man. She was at his mercy, and it was clear he wasn't up to being merciful. "No" she heard herself whisper, "please don't." Tears built in her eyes but for once Eddie didn't care. She had never been so afraid in her life, not even when… the man's face came nearer, his weight on her body unbearable as he started to move his pelvis against hers. Eddie shivered with fear and disgust. She needed to scream for help. She needed to fight. She was a cop… but she couldn't move. God, where was Ed? Was he dying right next to her?

"So you didn't say yes, did you?" He moved very close to her face till even in the dim twilight Eddie could see every pearl of sweat on Ed Ricker's face. "Well, partner, that's not very loyal from you. You're my partner, remember? Jamie Reagan threw you away, and now you're with me. And…"

"Help!" Jamie's name was the trigger. Eddie's mouth went wide open as she started screaming. "Help! Fire! Somebody help me!"  
A fist seemed to break each tooth in her mouth. She tasted blood, and then Ed took both of her hands in one of his to reach down for her trousers. Blindly, Eddie kicked forward, but she knew now she wouldn't be holding up for long. Ed knew every trick she knew, and probably better.

"Help! Somebody help! Jamie!"


	10. Chapter 10

„Help!"  
She turned away just in time before Ed's fist smashed her teeth, but in the next second he grabbed her chin, forcing his fingers into her mouth.  
Eddie's cry died with her breath, bile rose up in her throat. She would throw up right onto Ed's hands, and then… the fear of choking on her own vomit terrified her more than anything else before. Almost automatically she lowered her teeth into the fat fingers, biting as hard as she could.  
Ed screamed but didn't move, and Eddie panicked. She would die. She would die right here, right now, killed by a police officer who had only planned to rape her. Flakes of memories passed by. Frozen. Nathaniel, the red horse from her grandfather's neighbor. Sunshine in Orlando, a hand on her arm, an old yellow Ford, the daisies on the street right outside her house, Madison Square Garden and hundreds of white gloves in the air. "If I can make it there, I'll make it anywhere" – Jamie had sung for her on her first morning on the job.  
She would die. She would die, die, right now, and there were so many stupid little things she had left undone…

"Get off of her!"  
Before Eddie had time to recognize that Jamie's voice was no longer a memory she felt Ricker's weight yanked away from her, but his fingers still stayed in her mouth, choking him. Eddie wanted to scream but found her teeth paralyzed, stuck…  
"Eddie, it's okay! You need to open your mouth! It's okay, I'm here!" Jamie knelt down beside her, the tension and anger contradicting the calming message of his words.  
Eddie blinked. She had to… oh. That. Eddie spit out the fingers, and what remained between her teeth… Ed still was all over her. In her, even not like he had wished. Jamie moved closer but she turned away and threw up where she lay. He was still there, she felt it, every goose bump on her shivering body cried out the alert… Ed. Robert. No, not him, she had had this… Jamie? Jamie. With every bit of bile coming up, it slowly felt as if a bit of her brain returned.  
No, she had not been raped, and she was not dead. Robert had died in a car accident thirteen months ago, seventeen months after he had raped her… five years after he had first hit her so hard she had got a concussion.  
And Ed… Jamie!

As fast as she could without losing her orientation, Eddie turned to the two men. Ed was lying on the floor, almost motionless apart from his head swinging around as Jamie was hitting him ferociously.  
"I warned you" he hissed, and Eddie realized the anger on the phone before was nothing compared to now, "I warned you not to hurt her. You…" Apparently, words failed, and Ed didn't seem up to answer him anymore. Blood trickled down the back of his head but Jamie didn't care.

"Jamie, stop!" Eddie coughed, cursing her weak voice. Still everything tasted like Ed and vomit, but she had to focus now. She was a police officer.  
"Jamie, stop, he's had enough."

"Enough?" Jamie turned to her just for a second, hate blazing in his eyes. As he looked at Eddie she saw sorrow blooming up in his face, and something stronger, warmer, but before she even in her thoughts dared to call it "love", it was gone again and the hatred returned as he stood up and took out his gun.

"Jamie!" The shock brought her up on her feet. Reacting to a weapon drawn Eddie automatically reached for hers, but found it gone. "Jamie, leave him. You…" He wasn't listening to her. Eddie started shivering as she realized what the man cowering on the floor must mean to Jamie right now.  
"Jamie! He's a cop."  
"Not anymore" he hissed back, but his hands froze in midair. "He wanted to kill you."  
"But he didn't! You saved me, okay? You were there perfectly in time, and…"  
Ed moved slowly, and Eddie stepped back. Just in case.

Jamie had seen the movement, and for a moment all hatred was gone. "Eddie, I'm so sorry! I should have protected you."  
"You did." She was at the edge of panicking again, Rickers would soon be up again, she was weak and scared and Jamie was out of control. The whole situation was too crazy to feel safe now.

"Jamie, please. Let him go. He's not worth it, and…"  
Ed jumped up, slapping the gun out of Jamie's hands as he had done with her, and aimed at him. "That was a mistake, Reagan."


	11. Chapter 11

Eddie froze. The panic she had just had fought back threatened to return, black and cold. And this time Jamie couldn't save her.  
Jamie, held at gunpoint right before her eyes. She searched for his eyes, begging for a hint what to do next. So far Ed didn't look at her, but if she just jumped at him the chances were far too high he would fire – out of reflex, maybe. And there was no way she could snatch the gun out of his hands, even if he had surprise on her side, she didn't have the strength.  
Only… where was her own gun? She could threaten to kill him if he hurt Jamie… any remorse or doubts about hurting a colleague was gone suddenly.

"No!" Fear flickered up in Jamie's voice as he finally looked at Eddie. She moved closer as quiet as she could but still couldn't read his eyes. No plan, she realized, no way to get out of this, just fear.

"What?" Ed bellowed nastily, "so after all you're afraid to die? What kind of cop are you, uh? What do you think we carry those things for?" One step closer. Jamie retreated, and Ed followed him, directing him into a corner.  
Eddie trembled but found she couldn't move. Jamie was trapped. There was no way out. He would die, she would die – and it was her fault.  
The realization made her gasp, and the world whirled around. Helplessness, just like before. Just worse. Tears gushed out of her eyes almost violently, a belated reaction to what had happened, an anticipation to the fact that Jamie would die because of her.

Ed turned around, the sadistic smile on his face getting even eviler. "Hey, princess! I almost forgot about you. I have to say I would have expected more from you."  
The hatred was even stronger than her desperation. Blindly, Eddie lunged forwards. "You bastard! You fucking, brain-amputated idiot!"  
She had never been good in swearing, not even in the academy. Too much injustice or evil made her mute. That was why she had wanted to become a cop in the first place – to find a voice to stand up against what was wrong.

Ed was surprised, but he reacted well – taking a step to the side, causing Eddie to stumble past him and helplessly into Jamie's arms.  
It was too ironical to be true. Not that this wasn't about the best way to die she could imagine, but why did Jamie have to die with her?  
The tears ran less violently as the shock was gone, but so was her energy.

"If you could see yourselves now" Ed said almost gently, "you don't look as happy together as you told me you'd be, Eddie."

Eddie looked down. Jamie's arms were still wrapped protectively around her waist, holding her upright. "I'm so sorry" she whispered, unable to feel anger anymore. Who'd have thought being close to death would tire her out that much? She had had so many plans. So many plans…  
"You should have run" Jamie murmured back, his lips very close at her ear as he gently shoved her behind him.

Eddie stared at the back of his head for a second. Run? When exactly? Where to? And how, if Jamie was still in danger?  
She mumbled the questions into his hair, not expecting him to answer, or understand at all. She was a cop, he was a cop. They would never let each other down.  
Jamie shook his head sadly. "You should've done it. We're more than cops."

"Oh you really make me enjoy this!" Ed laughed. The hand with the gun didn't waver for a second, despite the blood trickling down the back of his head. "Tell her, Jamie. Tell your perfect little rookie, no, excuse me, your officer, why you don't want her to be a cop now. Tell her what you feel, go on!" He moved closer. The gun lay on Jamie's chest now, and Eddie felt it like a heavy weight on hers.

The young officer took a deep breath. His voice was remarkably calm now. "Let her go, Rickers."  
"I don't think I will."  
"You're still NYPD." Without seeing his face Eddie knew how much these words must hurt Jamie. His brother had been killed by a corrupt cop… telling another of them now that it was fine must be terrible.  
She had to do something! But something better than exploding into nothing and only worsening the situation. Just that there was nothing to be made worse now.

Ed laughed. "I know I am. And unfortunately I'm also the only surviving of the three of us as we were attacked by the Jokers." He winked conspiratorially. "They live nearby, you know. And Higgins said there were some police weapons stolen a couple of days ago."

Both Eddie and Jamie inhaled sharply as they realized the whole plan. Jamie reached behind, grabbing for Eddie's hand. She squeezed it tightly.  
"So you always planned on killing me?" She didn't think it would help playing for time now… but she had to know.  
Ed shook his head almost sadly. "I wanted to be prepared for everything." He turned to Jamie,a dn the sadness turned into cold joy. "Your partner Vinny was, you know. Ready for everything except for his partner to let him down. But even then, he was ready to die."

Jamie tensed, and Eddie realized she had never hated Ed more than right now. And she had never loved Jamie more than in those last seconds.  
"Jamie…" What did it matter anymore?

Jamie tensed but didn't let go of her hand. "I love you, Eddie."  
And then, barely audible: "Run."  
And he leapt forwards.


	12. Chapter 12

**This chapter should have been published way earlier… sorry it took so long.**

Eddie heard herself scream as Jamie left her, and then – was it her heart or was it really a shot?

Ed collapsed to the ground, leaving Jamie to almost stumble upon him. Blood stained the young officer's shirt, but even in her state of shock Eddie realized that it wasn't his own.  
He was alive. He was safe, and alive, and Ed was dead.

"Taylor? Taylor, drop the gun. It's okay. Everything's alright."  
Cop instinct won over shock as the world blended in again and Eddie saw Jamie's rookie standing in front of them, wide-eyed, gun raised but aimed to nowhere.

"It's okay, Harvard. He didn't shoot."  
The new voice made Eddie tense but only for a second, as Jamie's face lit up with relief. "Sarge!"  
Renzulli stepped closer, followed by another three officers. "Your rookie called for backup after you ran alone into that alley." The reproach in his words was clearly audible, but the relief on his face was at least as apparent as on Jamie's. "Seems we came here just in time."  
"You did." Jamie smiled at his former TO, then turned back to his rookie. Taylor had his gun safely stowed again and seemed to have regained his composure. "Taylor, that was great. You kept your nerves, and you saved our lives. Well done, officer."  
The rookie beamed. "Thank you, sir."

Eddie was kneeling next to Ed Rickers, pretending to examine the corpse while actually hearing and seeing nothing.  
_I love you._ Her cheeks felt hot and the butterflies had left her stomach and whirled around her whole body. If it wasn't for the cold stone beneath her, she wouldn't have been sure if she wasn't flying through the air.  
_I love you.  
_Jamie Reagan loved her, even though she had been horrible to him, even though she had almost got raped only minutes ago… the memory, washed away by the danger for a moment, returned, and the butterflies burnt to ashes. Suddenly Eddie felt her body again, every bruise, every inch Ed had laid on.  
It had been so close. So close to lose everything she was.

"Eddie?"  
She jerked at the closeness of the voice, only to realize it was Jamie kneeling next to her. She swallowed. "He's, uhm… he's dead."  
"Well, I hope he is, I shot him" Renzulli quipped, and Eddie closed her eyes in shame. Where was she? Even a rookie was more focused and controlled now.

"Eddie, are you okay?"  
Then again, two months ago she had been a rookie herself… and she had been strong only with Jamie. For Jamie, actually. And now…

"Hey! Hey, Edit, everything's okay. Do you understand?"  
It was a reflex to answer to her full name but even so it cost Eddie another second to focus on Jamie's face, being very close to hers.  
She forced herself to swallow down the tears coming out of nowhere and nodded. "Yes, I am. I do." Her voice sounded stronger than she felt, but she could see Jamie wasn't buying it, so she quickly added, "it's just been a bit… much." She nodded towards the corpse again – Ed Rickers, partner, asshole, dead man. Dead cop.  
"Renzulli's gonna be in trouble" she murmured, just to say anything intelligent.  
Jamie frowned but followed. "No, he won't. There's more than enough witnesses to what happened, and that he only saved us." Hatred twisted his face. "If that… if he had hurt you, I don't know… I'd have killed him myself." He took a deep breath. "Eddie, I'm so sorry I wasn't there for you."

The tears were dangerously close to winding out of her eyes. Clearing her throat, Eddie shook her head. "You were."  
"I let you think I forgot about you. While actually…" Jamie moved closer, "you were all I was thinking of, Eddie. For most of the time since Christmas. I missed riding with you so badly that for a moment I thought about quitting the job." He looked down embarrassedly, and automatically Eddie reached for his hand to comfort him. "Jamie, you're the last one to be ashamed of anything."  
He laughed softly. "You always see too much in me, do you know that? That's why I felt I wasn't… I wasn't good enough for you, Eddie. Not yet. I'd lost my purpose for being a cop somewhere down the road, and I… I wanted to get that back before I asked you out. And now…" he broke off and smiled, still embarrassed. "Say something, officer Janko."

And suddenly the tears were gone, dried up in the flame that filled her. Eddie realized that two minutes ago, with death so close to her, she hadn't loved Jamie the most. It was right here, right now, and for the first time it was strong enough to burn her fear away.  
"I don't care" she said firmly, holding on tightly to Jamie's hand. "I don't care why you're a cop, Jamie Reagan. You are, and you're risking your life every day to save other peoples' lives, and you are ready to be there for anyone needing help. I don't need your reasons to admire that, and I don't need them to admire you."

Admire, he mouthed silently and looked down again. "Alright. Then we…"  
"And I don't care if you quit the job and be a lawyer or a cook or a musical singer because I love you" Eddie continued firmly, squeezing Jamie's hand so tightly that it hurt. "I love you, Jamie."

For a moment, Jamie seemed frozen, and Eddie's heart stopped. Had she misinterpreted something? But what was there to misinterpret with "I love you"?

"I love you, Eddie" Jamie repeated her thoughts, and then he moved closer again. He paused only for a heartbeat, silently asking permission before his lips found hers.  
As they broke the kiss, Eddie started to cry.  
Not now! She bit her tongue to make it stop but it wouldn't, and she hastily tried to break away. "Sorry."  
"It's okay." Jamie's voice was gentle as he pulled her close, her head resting on his shoulder, her face buried in the curve of his neck. "It's okay, Eddie, I'm here. I'm here."  
He held her in his arms till Ed was brought away, kissing her and murmuring reassuring words into her hair. Eventually Eddie had no tears left to cry.  
"I'm so…" she corrected herself. "Thank you, Jamie."  
He smiled. "That's what I'm here for. That's what I've wanted to do ever since you stepped into my car."


	13. Chapter 13

The following hours went by in a blur, though sometimes Eddie felt like it would never end. Especially when Danny Reagan pulled his little brother out of her arms to interrogate them separately, worry for Jamie written so broadly over his face that she wasn't sure he had even recognized her.

As soon as she was alone, Eddie felt every bruise on her body, and despite the warmth of the precinct she was shivering. Was it really just four hours since she had left to patrol?

"Eddie?" Jackie opened another door. "Your turn." She smiled understandingly as Eddie's glance flew to the door Jamie had disappeared ten minutes ago. "Don't worry, he'll wait for you."  
"What?" The world around her sped up, and for a second Eddie was afraid she might faint. How on earth could detective Curatola know about her and Jamie? She hadn't been there, hadn't she, and sure as hell Eddie's world was not the same as hers?

"Hey!" Jackie quickly walked towards the young woman, ready to hold her up. "Everything's okay. It was about time, don't you think?"  
Only then Eddie remembered. She knew Jackie, of course, they had been working together looking for Sean at Christmas, and both of them had had private talks with the Police Commissioner afterwards. The panic that hadn't really left her since Ed smashed her against the wall dimmed, but somewhere deep down it was still staying, boiling, waiting for the moment Eddie wouldn't be able to hold it anymore.  
She took a deep breath. Just a few questions. She had to confirm that Renzulli had had no chance but to shoot, that he hadn't killed a cop but saved two cops. Half an hour, maybe one… she could do that. She was a cop, and she was alive thanks to the sergeant, so the least she owed him was staying focused now.

* * *

"Alright. Renzulli'll be fine." Danny sighed. As he closed his eyes he couldn't stop the pictures appear in his head, Jamie lying motionlessly on the floor, bathed in his own blood… a rookie had called for help. Obviously too nervous to find the right code, Mr. Taylor Musgrove had called every cop in the city.  
"Damn it, Jamie!" He tried to keep his voice calm but it was hard with all the rage and fear that had filled Danny for the past hour. "What did you think you were doing there alone? You wanted to kill yourself?"  
Jamie shrugged. "No, Danny."  
"What 'no Danny'? But you were acting like that! Running into a dangerous situation without asking for backup, without your partner, what did you think was gonna happen?"  
"I guess, I… I didn't think."  
"Great, kid. Really great." Danny dug his fingers into the wood behind him to not shake his little brother. "You didn't think at all. You could have got yourself killed, and you didn't think about it. That's what I meant, that's what I'm always talking about when I say you're not cut out for this job!"

Jamie sighed. "Danny if you want to talk about that let's wait till dinner, okay? I want to go home."  
"Home?" Danny frowned. Something was wrong if Jamie didn't get angry about that topic, but right now he was too angry himself to care. "Yeah, go home. Be happy, cause you can go. Others couldn't when they were acting like you. They died. Vinny died, for the same reasons that caused Renzulli to kill a cop, and…"  
"He was trying to kill Eddie!" Jamie exploded, "don't you compare Vinny to me, he had no reason at all to go there, but I had! He would have killed her!"  
"And dying yourself is better than losing another partner? Jamie…" Danny stopped as Jamie shook his head incredulously. "You really didn't notice it, did you? Well… that means Renzulli owes me twenty bucks. He was sure you'd have noticed, as everyone else."

The detective combined quickly. "You really love her." He shook his head. "Well, then Erin owes me fifty. I told her it was serious this time, but she wasn't sure about it. She said Eddie was too clever and too brash for you to ever dare asking her."  
"Well, she lost at that" Jamie's voice was flat with exhaustion and the need to get away. "I asked her out as soon as I left hospital. I just never got to make it happen. And then she cried for help."  
"And you thought you'd be best of to save her alone." Danny sighed again. There was no more arguing with his brother today, he knew that look. And actually he had missed it – missed the sign that Jamie was able to filter, and to block out what wasn't important.  
"Okay, but we'll talk about that on Sunday. Bring her with you, will you? And kid" – Jamie stopped and the door – "just… remember Eddie Janko isn't the only person that needs you."

* * *

"So what you're thinking?" Jackie smirked as she came over to her partner, her eyes riveting on the small but strong woman that was slowly walking towards Jamie Reagan.  
Danny slowly shook his head. "Dunno."  
Three steps before Eddie reached him, Jamie opened his arms and she ran into them, not at all scared anymore. They kissed shortly, then Jamie gently stroked back her hair and ran down her face till his hand rested on Eddie's shoulder.  
"I bet he wants her to go to hospital" Jackie murmured, "she's looking awful there. It's a miracle she can stand."  
"You think?" Danny grinned. "I bet she says no."  
Jackie laughed. "That's not a bet, Reagan. If she says yes she'll be alone in a hospital bed, whereasi f she says no, she'll pretty sure go to bed with her new boyfriend."  
"Jacks, that's my brother you're talking about."  
"I know." The detective apparently enjoyed her partner's discomfort. "You always said he had to grow up, didn't you? Well, Reagan… I think he has."

* * *

"You're sure?"  
"That I don't want another pair of stranger's hands feeling up my body? Yes, definitely." Eddie took a deep breath. She had no tears left to cry but her stomach still was a bunch of butterflies, whirling around and making her sick, and not at all in a good way.  
"Okay" Jamie knew when to give up, "then let's go. I'll drive you home." One arm around her shoulders he gently led Eddie through the precinct and to her car.  
She stopped. "How will you get… I mean…"  
"It's okay, Eddie." His voice so soft she wanted to scream, without really understanding why. "I'll take a cab later on. There's no need to hurry anything, the day's been long enough."


	14. Chapter 14

**Sorry for the long wait! RL kept me buys those days, and then I found this chapter being very reluctant to be put into words. Still – have fun!**

They didn't talk much on the way home, and despite the butterflies in and the bruises on her body Eddie fell asleep. When she woke up the car had already stopped. It was almost dark around them, and very quiet, _and_ _she was in a car alone with Jamie Reagan who had said he loved her!  
_She bit her lips, fighting the nervous giggle in her throat. Another habit she thought she had given up long ago. "Thank you" she murmured and quickly got out, reaching her door before she realized Jamie was following her. "Do you want to come in?"  
If he was surprised by the questions he didn't show it. "Only if you want me to."  
Eddie swallowed. "It's just… my apartment's not quite ready for visitors."  
He chuckled. "You never had faith in our Valentine's date, did you?" But the lightness of his voice didn't reach his eyes, and Eddie realized it wasn't only she going paranoid, that he felt it too… something was wrong.

Jamie sighed. "This is not as I expected it. To say the least."  
"Well, if you want to back out, then…"  
"I don't, Eddie!" He firmly grabbed her shoulders, pulling her just a little bit closer. Reluctantly, Eddie looked up, fully knowing that he wouldn't continue if she didn't.  
Jamie's eyes were flaming with intensity, and as he cupped her face with his hands Eddie felt them slightly shivering, or was it just her own blood pulsing so violently?

"I love you" Jamie whispered, and again it was there, a shake that spoke of passion and insecurity and the same hunger that she felt. For a very short moment the panic stirred again, running hotly through her body. If she screwed up now, she would lose him forever.

His eyes never leaving her face, Jamie's hands started travelling down her chin, her neck, and rested on her shoulders, caressing the sore skin. "And whatever you need me to be, I am. God knows you've waited long enough for me to realize… I am here for you. I promise."

Screw forever.

Eddie wound out of the half-embrace only to wrap her arms around Jamie's neck and kiss him. Her lips were hard and almost aggressive against his, but something in the eagerness he pulled her close with told her it was alright. More than alright.  
When Jamie's lips wandered down her throat, Eddie stopped thinking.

She bit her lips but couldn't avert giggling, and it made her whole body ache. Whoever had told her that sex in a car was a wonderful thing had been… totally right.  
"A kingdom for your thoughts." Jamie rolled around to look into her eyes and promptly hit his head. Giggling even more, Eddie wove her fingers through his hair and pulled him as close as she could in the narrow space. "You can have them for less" she whispered and kissed him again. "I just wondered how we haven't been talking for two months and now couldn't even wait to get through the door to my apartment."  
Jamie laughed softly, his face buried in her hair. "You said you weren't ready for visitors" he murmured close to her ear, "I didn't want to make you feel uncomfortable."  
"You're an idiot, Reagan."  
"Guilty." Still laughing, Jamie moved back and reached for his clothes, giving Eddie another seconds to adore the body that had just been wrapped firmly around her, protecting her, igniting every inch of her… The memory of the past minutes was enough to make her feel like a feather again, floating in the air and still heavy with passion.

"So…" Stifling a groan, Eddie started looking for her clothes, too. Given the small space of the car it was interesting how it could all have spread so widely, and somehow having Jamie's arms around her constantly didn't make the task easier.  
When the two cops finally reached Eddie's apartment, it was after nine. The familiarity of the room seemed to soak all her energy up. With or without Jamie she had to sleep now…

_Ed. Fists of iron pinioning her against the wall, blood, a fat man's body weighing on hers, cold metal and hot panic rushing through her. A voice so cold it froze her inside. "That was a mistake, Reagan."_

"Eddie!" Jamie was at her side before she could steady herself and helped her onto the couch. The look in his eyes was a mixture of sorrow and pure hatred. "I should have killed him long ago."  
The steel in his voice frightened Eddie even more than the sudden backflash. "That would have brought you to jail. And you'd lose your job forever. Your family would not…"  
"My family will never respect me" Jamie snapped, but more tired than angry now. "At least not Danny."  
Eddie put an arm around his shoulders comfortingly. "He does. I know he can't show it, but he does."  
Jamie shrugged. "Anyways." He leant into her for a moment, then pulled back to look into her eyes. "None of what could have happened to me would not be worth it. I can live without being a cop, but… I'm not sure I could live without you, Eddie. And I've lost enough people to know about surviving loss." His face darkened with grief, and Eddie's heart went out to him.  
"I'm so sorry" she whispered, her own fear forgotten for a moment, "Jamie, I'm so sorry."  
He nodded, holding onto her tightly, too shaken to speak.  
"It's okay, Jamie. I'm here. We're both here, and everything's alright, okay? At least it will… I love you."

After a while Jamie calmed down. "I love you too" he whispered into her hair, "happy Valentine's Day."  
"You too."


	15. Chapter 15

**Alright… at least the last chapter is up soon. I hope this comes not too unexpected. Thank you all so much for reading and reviewing, and I hope you like the ending. :D**

When Ed's fingers in her throat choked her for the third time, Eddie decided to stay awake. It was almost four in the morning. Her bedroom was never really dark, since right next to the building was a hotel trying to outshine the stars, and watching Jamie sleeping beside her definitely was a better option than going back to her nightmares.

Only ten minutes later, though, Jamie started murmuring her name and his brother's, and even if she couldn't understand anything else Eddie knew that his nightmares were probably worse than hers had been. When he started to cry for his mother, she gently touched his face. "Ja-"  
He jolted, eyes wide open but not yet seeing. "No!"  
"Jamie, it's okay!" With much more security than she felt, Eddie took his face in her hands and forced him to look at her. "I'm here, and it's okay." Six hours ago he had said those words to her, and they had helped.  
Jamie smiled, so obviously faked that it hurt. They were together for a couple of hours and he already felt he had to lie to her? Why? Why did that happen?

Suddenly close to tears, Eddie snuggled close to him, burying her face on his chest. At once his arms wrapped around her and held her warm and safe. Eddie sighed in relief. "Why can't it be like this forever?" she whispered against his skin, only half-noticing she had spoken aloud.  
Jamie pulled her up and kissed her, hair, forehead, nose, lips. It was not an answer but what should he have said? Because this was earth, not heaven, because there were people needing them, because they were part of the world. Because they were cops, and had sworn to dedicate their lives to the people of New York City.  
Because every day they had could be their last.  
The last kiss was heavy with desperation as Eddie realized it would never be as it had been before. "I love you, Jamie Reagan." She had told him so earlier this night, more than once, but it seemed important to say it once again, now, so he would know it if there was another Ed Rickers coming her way. Another someone or something to tear them apart.

Jamie's voice was dark with grief as well. "I love you." He avoided her eyes but Eddie knew whom he was thinking of.  
"So what's gonna happen now?" She allowed her unromantic-cop-part to take over, she couldn't cry now.  
They young man closed his eyes. "I don't know. You need a new partner but I don't know who it will be. I can't. I still got to train Taylor."  
"They made me officer earlier than I should."  
"That's because you're amazing." Slowly, the lightness crept back into his voice, and Eddie found herself grinning, both at the compliment and the fact that she could cheer Jamie up.  
"Taylor helped saving our life. Just saying…" She broke off as Jamie's face darkened.

It was there again, the glimmer of pure hate she had got to know only yesterday.  
"If Rickers had…" the words wouldn't leave his mouth but even so it was enough to make both of them shudder.  
Eddie swallowed. "Jamie, stop that. It's over. Nothing happened."  
Jamie kept staring into the darkness, seemingly unable to speak.  
"Jamie!" Eddie forced her voice to be steady. She had often enough been afraid of the people she loved the most. "I need you to be with me now, and not thinking about where you could have been in the past! Understood?"

Her voice was loud in the small room and Eddie shivered with relief as she saw it reaching through to Jamie. The terror and hatred in his face slowly receded, his hands, coiled to fists, relaxed. Quickly Eddie took them in hers, pulling her boyfriend close to her. "You told me you didn't see me as a victim, Jamie. You promised me. Now keep that promise. We are no victims. We survived. We are here, and tomorrow we'll be saving lives again." Her throat was dry, caused less by her words than by the expression on Jamie's face. "I was in Harvard" he whispered hoarsely, his hands winding out of hers and gently travelling up and down her body, "and still you outsmart me, officer Janko."  
"Well, I… I had a great teacher."  
As his movements got deeper, hungrier, Eddie bit her tongue to keep a clear head. "Promise me, Jamie."  
"Promise what?" He teased, whispering into her navel.  
Gasping, Eddie shoved him away. She knew this kind of game, and she was good at it.  
"Promise me to stay here" she said earnestly, "promise me not to let any of us go back into the past if we don't have to. Promise me…" Her voice faded till she sounded like the little girl she had been when Robert had come. And then never again.

Jamie understood. He laid rolled off and lay next to her, allowing her to curl up in his arms like he had done in the car. "I promise" he whispered into her hair, caressing her, "I promise I will not let you go. I promise I will take care of you, and of us, and…" he struggled for the right words, "I promise I will try to… to not think about what could have happened."  
Eddie looked up to him in surprise. Jamie had been a what-if-person since day one, and while his rookie, she had teased him for that, even though she was the same.

"And how about you?" His voice rose her from her thoughts. Still in awe, Eddie nodded. "Okay. I promise to try… no past?"  
"No past." No Robert, Rickers, Sydney,… Jamie took a deep breath and kissed her once again, sending every thought in Eddie's head flying away.  
"Just us."

"Eddie!"  
"What?" Very reluctantly, Eddie opened her eyes. With Jamie's arms around her she had slept peacefully, and felt like she could do so for another twelve hours.  
Jamie was looking out of the window, smiling. "It's snowing."  
"Snow? What…" And then she understood. Eddie giggled at destiny's irony. Or whatever it was that reigned the course of this city.

"Edit Janko, now that winter's back will you go ice skating with me?"  
"Yes."


End file.
